How to Not Become Your Parents

 

As an adult, and a parent myself, there are many things over the years that I have done to make myself similar to, or different from my parents.  I think the biggest challenge was first deciding which characteristics were worth keeping and which needed to go.

Especially if you share your life with a partner, chances are your values will be different from your parents.  Or, they may be a different implementation of a value you grew up with.  For example, my parents always taught the value of hard work, but it wasn't until I actually took on something that was not guaranteed to be successful, when I really understood what hard work is. 

The other thing I noticed, is that people and their values change over time.  Things that were important when my parents were struggling early in life, seems to be forgotten in the later, more prosperous years.  

I think the most conflict with my parents comes when they give unsolicited advice.  Its almost as if they feel like they have to intervene on my behalf because I am too inexperienced to know better.  They often open many conversations with, "We are so proud of you, and what you have achieved," but the context of the discussion was always turns to questioning decisions I have made or lecturing me on what I should do next.  Even into my midlife years, my family continues to try to parent me.  What I really want is for them to listen and support.  At some point, I stopped taking this personally, because I recognized that its not that they don't believe in me, its that they need to feel needed.  I stopped making this about me, an started listening and supporting them.  They do have a lot of experience, about many things.  It was up to me to pick and choose the pieces that are relevant.  

As a parent, its difficult not to direct and criticize all the time.  The best thing you can do is listen, react, and guide when people are asking for and receptive to your advice.  If what you have is offer is valuable, have faith that people will come to you when the time is right. 

What values do you have as an adult that are different than your parents? Or have your values changed as you have become more successful? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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